GLOBAL WARMING RAID RAISES BIG STINK
Read how I got kicked out of Hollywood here!
Read my screenplay Global Village Idiot here for free!
Hold your nose for this one.
Governments around the world argue that animal farts are a source of Global Warming.
Ireland finds it a good exuse to tax cows for passing Windy Winstons and New Zealand considered taxing sheep for mutton methane
And here in America?
Well, the EPA will soon issue a ruling giving it sole authority to regulate all greenhouse gases, including CO2 and methane. American livestock owners are fearful that they, too, will face taxes and regulations for their ruminant's rumblings.
But with Global Warming a "planetary emergency" and "the greatest crisis we've ever faced," why should we limit government regulation to only cows and sheep? What about that guy in the cubicle next to yours, who keeps cutting the cheese all day?
Let's travel forward in time a few years and get a brief glimpse into the Brave New Pine-Scented World that Al Gore and the Global Warming alarmists have in store for us...
Yeah...I know what you're thinking.
I've been away for 2 weeks, and instead of posting about Al Gore's continuing cowardice and refusal to debate or a top NASA climatologist calling for civil disobedience to protest coal energy or the public growing skeptical of global warming alarmism, I write 19 paragraphs of fart jokes.
Well, all I can say is...
...you're welcome!
Read my screenplay Global Village Idiot here for free!
Hold your nose for this one.
Governments around the world argue that animal farts are a source of Global Warming.
Ireland finds it a good exuse to tax cows for passing Windy Winstons and New Zealand considered taxing sheep for mutton methane
And here in America?
Well, the EPA will soon issue a ruling giving it sole authority to regulate all greenhouse gases, including CO2 and methane. American livestock owners are fearful that they, too, will face taxes and regulations for their ruminant's rumblings.
But with Global Warming a "planetary emergency" and "the greatest crisis we've ever faced," why should we limit government regulation to only cows and sheep? What about that guy in the cubicle next to yours, who keeps cutting the cheese all day?
Let's travel forward in time a few years and get a brief glimpse into the Brave New Pine-Scented World that Al Gore and the Global Warming alarmists have in store for us...
| midvalleypress.com Global Warming Raid Raises Big Stink Local Men Arrested in Midnight Raspberry Roundup Reported by I. P. Daley on Fri, 03/13/2014 - 1:36 pm An Eco-SWAT team headed by investigators from the Environmental Protection Agency staged a nighttime raid on a Mid-Valley family residence last night, busting up a 10-man flatulence ring. Leading the raid was still-boyishly-handsome former film-star Leonardo DiCaprio, newly-appointed EPA Chairman and original advocate of the so-called “Pooter Laws,” making the unregulated emission of human Global-warming Anal Gasses (GAG) a federal crime and punishable under the Endangered Species Act. The alleged ringleader and owner of the underground house-of-ill-wind, Frank “Toots” Timmelman, was charged with multiple Global Warming offenses including maintaining a residence for the purpose of sheltering known gas-passers, farting with intent to smell, and illegal possession of a cabbage. Nine other men were arrested at the scene in what officials described as an illicit “Blazing Saddles” party, a reference to the 1970s motion picture that featured bean-eating cowboys expelling gas around a campfire. All nine suspects have been charged with conspiracy to commit flatulence and being under the influence of a controlled vegetable. Wearing full-face respirator gas masks rated for nuclear, biological and chemical attack, officials of the EPA broke down the back door of the residence to serve their "no-knock" search warrant, quickly subduing the suspects. There was a brief scuffle near the first floor bathroom as several men tried to flush evidence of a 15-bean soup down the toilet. In the mêlée, a gas mask was knocked off the face of one of the arresting officers, who was quickly overcome by fumes and rendered unconscious by toxic levels of accumulated anal vapors that filled the dwelling. After fellow officers secured an emergency back-up clothespin around the officer's nose, he was rushed by ambulance to a nearby hospital where a team of doctors lit matches nonstop around his bedside for several hours until the officer revived. The house was quickly designated a Global Warming Bio-hazard and 4,000 residents in the surrounding area were ordered evacuated to emergency shelters. Three squads of EPA Clean-Up Crews battled through the night to keep the fumes under control by surrounding the house with 600 cans of Air Wick "Odor Stop" Air Freshener with Baking Soda. It wasn't until fume-fighting pumper trucks loaded with tanks of concentrated Febreze liquid laid down a continuous spray of "Lavender Vanilla" and "Crisp Linen" scents that the situation was brought under control and the "all-clear" sirens sounded. A neighbor who wished to remain anonymous was startled by the presence of a "butt-crack" house in her neighborhood. "My kids walk past that house every day on the way to school. To think that they could have been exposed to second-hand flatulence like that -- thank God we have GAG laws in this country to protect the children!" Stringent GAG laws are an ongoing source of controversy. In the effort to stem the rise of Global-warming Anal Gasses, many gassy fruits and vegetable -- such as beans and cabbages -- are now controlled substances and cannot be grown, transported or ingested without permit from federal authorities. All citizens are require to take extensive training classes before being licensed to "open carry" broccoli and other controlled foodstuffs, which must then be locked in a child-proof cabinet for storage at the citizen's home until eaten. Since the EPA declared that eating gassy produce is a "privilege and not a right," all citizens wishing to consume EPA-controlled foodstuffs must pass a background check and receive a "pooter rating", which establishes a baseline of personal flatulence. Gassy foods are then rationed depending on a citizen's likelihood to expel Global-warming Anal Gasses such as carbon dioxide and methane. Women are exempted from all EPA restrictions because as Supreme Court Chief Justice Hilary Clinton wrote in the famous "U.S. vs Oprah Winfrey" decision, "It is a well-established fact that women don't fart. You go, girl!" Recently, the government has instituted a "Cap and Trade" policy on rectal effluvium. Citizens are issued Flatulence Limiting Anal Permits (a.k.a. "FLAP credits") with a fixed limited of GAG gasses allowed per year. Citizens who wish to fart more must purchase credits from those who fart less. The emissions trading policy has been criticized by several ethnic groups who claim that, because of their high intake of traditionally gassy foods, they are being unfairly penalized. In recent months there has been a sharp increase in underground "Blazing Saddle" parties as men across the country chafe under the federal restrictions. "I get enough grief from the wife about my butt percussion," complained one anonymous male. "Now I can't even pull the old "pull my finger" gag on her without risking jail time!" The appearance of EPA Chairman DiCaprio at the crime scene signaled a high-profile crackdown on illicit trouser trumpeting. His voice muffled inside his air-tight, Level-A hazmat suit with optional popped collar, Mr. DiCaprio surveyed the living room where noxious fumes still lingered and spoke about the arrested suspects. “Men who ingest illegal gassy foodstuffs and expel airborne effluents through their anal regions belong to a lawless, bygone era of deregulated netherholes. Without the proper permits, breaking wind is breaking the law, and I will personally finger any Jockey-roasting lawbreaker right in the middle of his lawbreaking buttocks.” But Mr. DiCaprio has himself come under fire for high levels of excessive flatulence in his personal life. On Academy Awards night, EPA officials raided the home of Hollywood documentary filmmaker Michael Moore on a tip that the portly director's "Oscar" party was in fact a "Blazing Saddles" farting festival. Indeed, when officials arrived, the house was filled with star-power flatulence from the "A" list of Hollywood. Detained at the scene for questioning were Moore, Ben Affleck, Sean Penn, Josh Brolin, George Clooney, Tim Robbins, Alec Baldwin...and EPA Chairman Leonardo DiCaprio. Also at the scene was celebrity Chef Wolfgang Puck, who was caught in the bathroom attempting to pour a kettle of gourmet, overpriced 15-bean soup with dried tomatoes into the toilet. Although official air samples showed the highest level ever recorded of household Global-warming Anal Gases, and the stench inside the exclusive Hollywood Hills hideaway made the eyes of the arresting officers water behind their Plexiglas gas masks, no one was charged with violation of any GAG laws. Each of the Hollywood elites had purchased sufficient Cap and Trade credits to cover their noxious emissions. Officials estimate that the amount of Global-warming Anal Gasses released into the atmosphere that night was enough to drown 15 polar bears. When a reporter questioned Mr. DiCaprio about the fairness of EPA policy where elites like Mr. DiCaprio Al Gore and Prince Charles can pay for all the farting they want while the poor have to suffer the consequences of Global-warming Anal Gas restrictions, Chairman DiCaprio gave a still-boyish grin and excused himself from any questions. "I'm late!" he shouted as he climbed into his chaffered EPA limousine. "I'm headed for Cannes tonight and I've got to catch the last train across the Atlantic!" As DiCaprio departed, a spokesman for the EPA came to the actor’s defense. “This Chairman is truly trying to relay a message to the public and the way he lays a wind loaf and the way he fires a stink torpedo should not be splayed out like that. Besides, my understanding is that his butt flappage has a sweet odor, like honey.” |
Yeah...I know what you're thinking.
I've been away for 2 weeks, and instead of posting about Al Gore's continuing cowardice and refusal to debate or a top NASA climatologist calling for civil disobedience to protest coal energy or the public growing skeptical of global warming alarmism, I write 19 paragraphs of fart jokes.
Well, all I can say is...
...you're welcome!
Ah, fart jokes. We all need them from time to time. I guess these guys will be after Drew Carey next...after all, he did make a certain safety video...
I remember the "fart tax" fiasco in New Zealand, and I think they called it off after a lot of protests from farmers. Farming is a BIG industry here in NZ, and that's probably why they did manage to get our hard-working lawmakers to call it off.
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gore is the leading expert in gas - hence the name i've given him "count flatula" - yes, that was me.
i'm behind you 100% in the making of your movie "global village idiot" and will add your blog to the sidebars of my own - one which has a regularity of "poop" posts - best of luck to you.
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Oh please, no more. Here’s me thinking you’ve put in some serious articles from newspapers around the world – so I didn’t bother reading them the first time – then I find out you have cleverly disguised your gutter humour amongst them. Touché!
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